Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous 10

Dec. 20th, 2008


The date of my "supposed" death

deathtest results

Apr. 30th, 2008


Long awaited rant

Right. Honestly I dont know where to even start.

Since the last post:

1. I've been made redundent from my job at the RAF base.

2. I've gotten back together with meine liebe. However she's also needed to take yet another break. But all is not lost, we still talking, hugging and snuggling. The lovey stuff. Which is good, were both happy and I'm just waiting for her to come back as I know she will. We love each other and no matter how many times she does this, I'll wait. because I know she's my one.

3. Gotten a new job.

4. Told shinobe hinobe to basically suck my balls.

5. Had our one dog pregnated.

6. Started job.

7.  Written another 4 chapters of my "A Sound Return". Quite lengthy chapters at that.

8. Had the puppies and looking after them.

Other than that, not that much left to list off. More into actual detail of some of the things that I wanna rant about. Such as telling shinobe hinode to suck my testicles.

I just.. got sick and tired of waiting. If I was to make a comment about such a long ass waiting time, I'd be chastied by everyone. It was just not fair in any sense of the word. I waited and waited, when finally I try and edge it along, I'd be told to change something. So i find way of changing it. Only then to wait and wait. Only for more excuses.

Too long waiting, I had enough. 

First it was that Raven wasn't good enough. So I make Miyu. Then it's that they dont understand Miyu's background. I writ it in plane fucking english. Couldn't have made more sense if I tried. But I gritted my teath and beared it. Explained everything, which came down to having to talk it over with kyuubi. Who was never fucking on.

Not like it would have made a difference, she didn't want me to be there from the moment we all considered even thinking of an RP.

Oh and Kyuubi if your reading this, "Fuck you" not in a sexual way. But in the you suck way. You are a bitch. Everyone from Teasing kyuubi community are betrayful bastards. I dont last a single fucking day when I can't help but remember how badly you guys hurt me. Even now I cringe in pain at thinking about it.

"When you give trust to someone, you give them the power to totally destroy you. But have faith that they wont."

My faith had been completely misplaced.

However, getting away from the betrayals and shit for a moment and back to the issue I'm ranting about.

actually enough ranting, i'm tired.

I'll cut this reply short, if i get any angrier i wont fall asleep tonight. and i got work in the morning.

Jan. 21st, 2008


(no subject)

Not sure if this will turn out to be another large post or a smallish one. Depends by the end. But I just wanted to say I'm proud of myself for being able to talk so much about my feelings like this. Usally it just stays as inner monologue. 

Anyway, at work today, had an arguement with Lucy. I'd overheard from Stef(one of my bosses) that something was gunna be finished before febuary. And as the subject of the finishing date for the contract kept being rumnoured was getting sooner and sooner, because of our awesome speed. I got worried. Thought it would have been a good idea to warn people. When I mentioned it to Jon,Julie and Lucy. Thow I was only really telling Jon and Julie. Lucy could go suck a lemon for all I care. Bitch. Lucy said she 'knew' it wouldn't finish that soon. I said that 'well it's only what I heard' but she kept repeating herself and so started getting into an argument. Her saying she knew it just wouldn't be that soon and me saying that "I honestly dont give a shit". Which I really didn't, I wasn't claiming what I overheard to be autmatically correct. Just a warning. But no, she wouldn't stop.

So then Julie gets angry and snaps at us both saying she doesn't care and that us 'children' should stop bickering. Then she got up, left and went to the bathroom. 

So, I finished my crisps and sat down at my desk away from them, to finish my lunch. 

Royally pissed off.

Just as lunch is finished, Stef comes over to me and says 'You really shouldn't spread rumours, especially ones that you dont know for sure' So basically, Julie had asked Stef to make sure. Having mentioned my name. And got me into trouble.

And made it seem like I was a gossip and rumour spreader.

Which I'm not, I thought I heard some information that would have put people out of their jobs earlier than expected. I was doing a fucking favour.

So I got angry and pissed off beyond beleif. I felt so betrayed by Julie. She had no right to mention my name like that.

I decided that it was a better idea to tell Sarah how they really felt about her, they did afterall dislike her. 

I know how that sounds and I've been fighting myself over it since. It makes me sound like a bitch. Like I'm taking my anger out on her. Making her feel bad when she's done nothing to deserve it. Might even say I've been justiying it by saying that I felt she needed to know. But I honestly dont care. She really did need to know the truth.

She's an honest person, she wouldn't have incriminated me. I have a laugh with her. And she's up for improving herself if someone points out a fault. 

So I told her the truth. At one point I admit I felt bad cos it sounded like she was going to cry. But she just seems angry now. 

You can call it bitchy revenge, say I'll get bad karma for it. But is it better to doubt whether your 'friends' like you? Or know without doubt they dont?

Having experience in the matter, I really honestly did feel, she did need to know the truth.

So now I'll avoid Jon, Julie and Lucy as much as possible. Stick with Sarah more. And get on with work. Things will work out.

On other news, Star apparently had an operation on her ass today. I knew what she had wrong with her wasn't good. And she was gunna go to the vets again today, but had no idea they was gunna have an operation.

Sadly they even found that she has a possible heart murmur. Which is worrying. She's my doggy.. I dont want her to be in pain or get ill.. I want her to be all ok.

Nothing else from shinobe hinode. Gunna log into meebo thow and see if Kagura's on. Ask if she'd has the chance to talk to kyuubi yet. 

And thats it.. it was a medium sized post I suppose. Mainly about work.

See ya'l later I guess, gunna go talk to K <3

Jan. 19th, 2008


(no subject)

Update time I guess.

Been to the doctors, been told that my heart is perfectly fine.
My blood pressure is even better than they wanted for someone my size.
And the most suprising, I've managed to lose a whole stone in weight. (Which for all you US people out there, is equal to 14 pounds)

It's so suprising for multiple reasons:

1. I've been trying to loose weight for like 3 years, not a single pound. Yet 3 months of this new job and I lose a whole stone!

2. My diet hasn't changed at all, I'm still eating like a slob.

3. The only difference is that I've had to run for the bus every day.

That regular exercise, despite how small (yet breathtakingly painful) it was, was enough to speed up my naturally slow metabolism. Which was the whole reason I could never lose weight. I did do exercise before, but no reaction. I've changed my diets before, but no reaction.

But a regular intake of food (Chicken rolls, crisps and jaffa cakes. Not forgetting unhealthy fizzy pop). And a regular small amount of exercise, mixed in with my hormones finally slowing down a little after puberty. And my body decided to finally give me a break.

It takes the fucking piss!

But I'm healthier than I was before I started work there. It's incredbily ironic that the place I hate the most is causing me to get healthier. But I'll stick with it, for K.

She tells me often that I dont have to do it for her. And that what I look like dont matter. That I'll always be her Raven. But I want to be healthier for her so I live long enough to have the chance to make her as happy as she deserves. And so I'll be pretty enough.. I know she said she wont care what I look like. But I still want to be beautiful for her. She deserves the best. And if putting up with this shitty job can help me reach that. Then fine.

So the conclusion of the heart thing, is that I'm totally fine. Healthy as an Ox. >w<

On another note, I've explained to Kagura(hana-mun) my plans as Orochimaru. She seems to like them, but wants me to make sure to get the people involved in them to agree that it's ok. Which I would have done anyway. So yeah. It seems to be all good. I've been told that she wants to tell my plans to Teaser and then will let me know about getting in. Which I'm fine with... or would be, If she was still the Kyuubi that I used to know.

Which for the record, if your reading this. Feel free to give me your honest opinion. I respect honesty and it wouldn't make you a bad person by giving it me straight for once.

Hopefully thow, she will agree and I'll be recieving a e-mail. Just gotta wait, I guess..

Hmm.. what else. Well I've been job searching, but I havent found anything good yet. Gunna keep looking but I'm sure it'll be a while before I find the one.

Had an incident with my iPod. But it ran out of battery and fixed itself. So no more problem. On it I've been listening to the naruto background music from the anime. Gets really repetitive when the playlist repeats for like the 25th time. Which when it does I just get it out my pocket and switch it to some machinae supremacy. Nice bit of change. And they rock.

Umm.... Played 'Harvest moon - Back to nature' again today. Got karen up to red heart level. Bought a cow, a sheep, got the first house upgrade. Got my upgraded chicken coop full up with chickens that will keep laying me eggs for winter.

The game is so addictive. I just dont get enough time to play it sadly. I'd love to sit at home and play it for hours on end but i got work. So I only get to play it on weekends.

But I've done a hell of a lot playing it like once a week  for like 3 weeks. Still only in the first year aswell. I wanna get the hothouse thow. Badly. I've always wanted it but never managed to get that far.

For a different topic....was suprised that umbreon replied to my post before. Thought that dick still hated me for no reason. Sure I payed no attention to what he said. But still.. Why him? I expected Kyuubi or Alex to. But not him...

I mean what does he think will happen? I'll get overly upset and cry. Give him some kind of sadistic pleasure or something? Did he think that I'd feel his reply was heartfelt and inspirational enough that even if I was gunna 'off' myself that I'd stop because of it?

Cos I'm sorry to say but that was far from the truth. It was just a reply to something I expected no one to even see, let alone reply to.

He was just there. And it had no effect on me other than what one would normally expect from 'Shrodinger's law'.

Okay I've ran out of things to talk about. So I'm just gunna post this and go have more experiences. I'll update as soon as anything interesting happens. I never really thought I'd be into regular updates like this. And I dont get any weird funny feelings like i've accomlished anything. But still.. I feel like it's a reflection time or something.

Jan. 15th, 2008


Guess my heart aint what it used to be

My sister who's a fully trained nurse. Has been kind enough to enlighten me to the fact that something i had originally been putting off as a puleld muscle and heavy lifting strain and stress. is more likely to be early signs of a cardiac arrest. So now I've gotta go to the doctors on thursday morning. Get checked out and just make sure I'm ok.

Jan. 12th, 2008


Thought I had friends.. I was wrong

Thought it was time for an update. Firstly, my job at the RAF doing the data entry, is so tiring. Guh. It leaves me with no time to myself. Aching body parts and an urge to kill someone viciously and repeatedly. 

Sure I've made some realy good friends there, and I'll miss them. But the moment I get an oppurtunity for a better job in admin, I'll take it instantly. I'll get their phone numbers and/or e-mails and all that to keep in contact. But actually meeting up with each other every morning on the bus ride into work wont happen once we part ways. which is sad. but working at that place is not what i wanna do til the end of march, sure good money. but not enough good points.

Hope the jobs I'm applying for now work out.

Secondly, I'm in love more with K now than I ever have been before. Always in my thoughts, swimming around into the naughty fantasies and into everything else that pops up too. Sadly, her side is having troubles at the moment and I feel so bad that I'm not there helping her through it all. The best I can do is tell her I love her and keep her as calm as possible. She's just such a nice person and she doesn't desereve all the shit thats going on.

Also, a while ago I made a deal with her, we can ask each other 3 times to organise the meeting before april-may. The third time we ask, we'll just up and do it. I've asked once and she's asked her second time just recently.
Without hesitation, I'll help arrange it instantly. I love her and being apart from her like this is torture.

I'd have already asked her number 2 and 3 already. If I wasn't trying to earn enough money so it would be possible. Hence why I've been so adamant about going into work at a place I hate so much. All for her.

Also, I want to try and reframe from asking unless I get to a point where I feel I can't survive much longer without her. and while I always feel that way, I mean feel it to an extreme of feeling like I'm going to fade away if I can't wrap my arms around her body.

Other than my love life and work, I'm still waiting to get into Shinode hinode. Which I'm sure the reason I'm waiting so long is because kyuubi wont agree to let me enter.

I dont know whats gotten into her. I used to give her utmost respect for just being the author of one of my old favourites. But re-reading it, to be honest. I just dont feel the awesomeness from it that much anymore. I've found better authors and better fanfics. 

Then I thought our friendship would at least stick. But she's changed. She's become someone I regret bumping into. Which joining a roleplaying forum that happens to have her in kinda makes that unnavoidable. Especially with what my character is going to do once I get in.

I know hers, geds and drukas's opinions on me. drukas told me straight out the honest truth about it when he was in a bad mood. he was looking for someone to take it out on and i was the one there. 

At first finding out that what I'm paranoid about, or was paranoid about upset me a great deal. But I came to terms with it pretty quickly. Which also confuses me, does that make me the better person by dealing with it without being emo and flipping out on people? Does it simply just mean I was right and should never have let them in, in the first place?

I dont really care. The fact is, they dont like me. I knew before, but the difference being was that they thought they'd be seen as the bad guys if I actually knew I was right. The paranoia wasn't, it was all true. So does that makes it a conspiracy? Or cold hard truth?

Either way. They dont like me, and I dont care. Doesn't mean that I can't pretend to be the old me. The one they all detest. Fuck it, I might aswell make sure to be worse. Make it worth my while. Least now know i'll be being lied to instead of having my trust destroyed in secret.

Trust is a big part of me after all, and they broke that. They lied straight to my face. I let them in, treated them, in fact i actually called them my family. And with the slip of alex's tongue. I found out that I was betrayed.

I'll just make new friends, make a post every now and then. Make them think that alls ok.. then nothing. Just continue on with my life. 

Also it's not like I need to worry about them seeing this. Only one person from the community even checks my journal and I havent updated in such a long time I highly doubt he/she will even bother to make a new check.

That person was probly the only person that didn't hate me being there. Thow I might be wrong. After all the other 3 convinced me otherwise. Why couldn't that person?

Even if they did see it, what have I got to worry about? They've already broken my trust. What else have they got left to smash?

Reading this all over, I realise it's got a sense of EMO to it. Which I dont really care about. I'm feeling more apathetic than EMO. And even when I do feel like breaking those promises and doing something stupid, *Mentally pictures the knife drawer in the kitchen, but shakes head and concentrated back on this*, I wont. Because then I wouldn't be able to be with K. And thats the only reason. I love her, and so I wont leave her. But if I didn't have her. I wouldn't be here right now and this would have probly been a suicide note. 

Not a fake one either, I mean a real one. I've said that before too.. but before.. I thought I had friends.

Oh, and so I dont leave it on too much of a sad note. Thought this might give everyone a few poops and giggles.

The Recipe For Raven

3 parts Talent
2 parts Uniqueness
1 part Naughtiness

Splash of Wisdom


Jun. 12th, 2007



I beleive I promised before some pictures of the pups.

Sam the boy


Lu the little one that nearly died


Peach, the one that i saw everything of.. :sweat: ((i mean the sack it was in and everything >.<))

May. 29th, 2007


heart not so strong as i thought

This is more to inform than rant about really..
just the other day i went into hospital, i had a mild heartattack and lost consciousness. I woke up and the pains gone. but my vision is blurry and i see blue's and green's floating around.
i'm told i should be having strict bedrest after being let home on those grounds. but i had to come on just to let people know so they dont worry.
So take care.. dont worry about having to do "get well"'s
i'm going to bed.. bye

May. 8th, 2007


(no subject)

toe thing dried up and fell off on it's own ^-^ so hopefully nothing will needing to be done at the doctors thow it wouldn't of mattered anyway, they put the appintment later again. it's so annoying..
umm trainings going good and debbie(one of the trainers) she's doing a course on supporting people with literacy problems.
so basically like me and my dyspraxia and she wanted to know if she could use me as an example in her coursework. which will not just help her but the people teaching teh class by getting imput from someone with it. and teh teachers she has to tell at our training place. and kids in the future.
so i said sure.  ^-^

May. 5th, 2007


lifes never lived

to be honest i'm really sad about stuff.. to do with the pups but i dont want to talk about it. the subject says a lot about it thow. enjoy the vid.

Previous 10